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Was I ready to be a mommy? Oh yes, I was.
I was happy to be me. I was happy to sport the bulge. I was happy to get the attention. I was happy to not have to watch my weight. I was as happy as anyone could imagine.
I was happy. Was I ready? No, I was not! And till date, I do not know how do you get ready to be a mommy.
I was not ready for the reality that was to follow once she entered this world. I was not ready for postpartum and breastfeeding, I was not ready for a diaper change, for deprived sleep, for a body that smelt of milk constantly, for a stomach that lost all its muscle, for hormones going berserk, for a feeling of doing everything wrong.
Just when I came to terms with these (of course not all of them) I was opening doors to another set of "not readies"- toddler breakdowns, tantrums, stomach upsets, virals, detachment, again a feeling of doing everything wrong.
I was not ready to give up my job, I was not ready to keep my job. I was not ready to take help, I was not ready to do anything without help. I was not ready to let others dictate the way I do things for my child, I was not ready to do things on my own for my child without a little input. I was not ready to give up on my friends. I was not ready to leave my child home without the guilt riding all over me. I was in a zone that could only be termed as a "HARD PLACE".
While each time I convinced myself that this will go by and I will be okay, something new constantly kept coming my way. While I read pieces from other parents that this is a phase and things will get better, I had a constant feeling of "doing everything wrong". This seems like a hard phase, a hard place to be. But then I know this will pass. And then again, I am not sure if I want this to pass.
I know I am in a phase where her love for me is at its peak, more than any point in her life. I know she is growing and making friends and getting accustomed to new people and things. I know I will always be her mommy, but on the backburner amongst the many adventures of her life. I will see her go through heartbreaks and friendships take precedence over what we have and go through behavioral changes where I will be the last one she may want to encounter. I know that she will move on to find her love and put in all she has to make that relationship happen. I know that I will be there, but I will be one amongst the many.
Although I foresee these, I know I will never be ready for them. The best I can do is to "not be ready", just as I have been all through. Just as I learned to change that stinky diaper, just as I learned to handle a tantrum, just as I learned to let go of a little guilt. I know that being a mommy means being impromptu. I know that being a mommy means just being there. And I know that I can never be ready to be a mommy.