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This is a trying moment. This will pass. But why is it so difficult?
The expression on her face which begins with a frown and ends with a downpour of tears... These words break my heart into a zillion micro granules. I feel the knot in my stomach and the weight on my heart. How do I walk away? How do I tell myself she will be ok? But I know I have to, I just have to.
So I put on my smile and give her a mighty hug saying "Mamma will be back before you know it". She doesn't believe me, clinging to my trousers, her little fingers buried in. I cannot just leave her like this. I have to leave seeing her smile. I put down my bag, carry her into my arms and hold her close. I talk to her about her day. How she will watch Mickey and Donald and play with the other kids. I play a little music and dance with her. She is now better. She knows it's going to be ok.
She tugs onto her father and waves her hand to gesture a bye, a bleak attempt. I somehow manage to pull myself together and step out shutting the door behind me, wiping my damp eyes. Phew! Why can't I just be with her all the time? I get into my car and drive away, seeing her peep through the window, knowing she will be there till I disappear into the distance.
My mind cannot stop thinking about her, hoping she will be fine. Hoping she will forget about me and get busy with her day. I reach work and place the first call to enquire if she is doing fine. She is ok, missing me, but busy dealing with her father. I can hear her from the phone saying, "Mamma come home soon. Then we will go and play". I have 8 hours to pass to get back to her and I cannot wait.
Every mother, working or not, goes through this. It's a nerve-racking, heart-breaking moment. But you know your reasons for doing so. It is about you conditioning yourself to be able to deal with this moment. Your baby will be fine. She will find endless reasons to keep her distracted and eventually forget about you during the day. Will you be able to do the same?