Confession of a mother
|   Feb 06, 2017
Confession of a mother

It was a routine day. I was at my clinic. My routine evening consultation was going on. A very nice looking young woman entered holding hand of a cute girl who I assumed , must be 5 years old. Her husband followed her in. Looking at their expressions , I could tell that she was expecting again. They were happy. They left after routine consultation. Her mother in law came with her at next appointment. She was quite motherly. But the woman had some different, anxious look on her face. Apart from that, it was a routine consultation. In subsequent visits, the woman looked happy. I almost forgot about that day un till I saw the same anxiety in her eyes again one day. She was in her fifth month and I was doing routine ultrasound for her. I told her everything is good in there and baby is absolutely healthy. She didn’t respond and kept looking at me. I asked if you are OK. She hesitated for few seconds and than asked if I can make out sex of the baby. Suddenly all the anxiety was explained. Not that I was asked the question first time, but I kept thinking about it later on. I could relate with the pressure on that woman. How could not I . I have been there.How Happy I was when a little girl came in my life and so was everyone at home. Life was perfect with her. She filled my life with so much joy that I forgot all the problems in my life. Her smile was precious. She was everyone’s favorite. She meant world to her grandparents. But than something happened. I was expecting again. We were so happy. Life was exactly going the way, we had planned it. We told everyone in the family and to the friends. The usual advices to the pregnant lady started flowing in. I was enjoying every bit of extra care and attention. Than the strange comments and over sympathetic talks started. Everyone said that I need not worry as this was going to be a boy. Few did not have courage to say it on my face, but I could see in everyones eyes. I started feeling the hope of a grandson at home also. I felt suffocated. I wanted to shout at every one but could not. When I could not take it anymore, I talked to my husband. What if it is a girl. Isn’t she going to be welcomed. My husband was in no different mental state n said he could feel the pressure too. We always thought that our daughter was the best thing that had happened to us and suddenly everyone around was so sure that we are yet to get the best thing. I tried to ignore everyone but could not. Than I entered my fifth month. I was scheduled for my routine ultrasound. The sonologist was my friend. In India,It is illegal to tell the sex of the baby to parents. But what if parent is a gynecologist. I decided I will not look at the screen.I was anxious but tried to hide it. She started doing the scan. I kept looking away. She said baby is absolutely healthy. I smiled just to make sure that she couldn’t sense my thoughts. What will she think. Being a gynecologist, my thoughts were unjustified. Rather being a woman, my thoughts were unjustified. I could not discuss with anyone. That moment I understood everything. The pressure, which was built up around me, had already broken me. Somewhere in my mind, I had started wishing the same. I felt guilty.Time passed by. I had started showing my tummy , so everyone around knew that I was pregnant. They kept wishing that I will have a boy this time. Even when I was walking in the street holding hand of my daughter, I could see the prayers even in the eyes of strangers. I got used to that. But Everytime someone said something, my heart used to ache. Guilt kept building up. I remained strong enough to not to look at the screen even in my next ultrasounds. I had an uncomlicated pregnancy , so kept working till the end. Than came the day of delivery. Everyone was excited. It was a planned c section. I was taken inside the theater. Soon they started the procedure. I was fully awake. In few minutes, my doctor told me it’s a baby boy. I looked at my son and started crying. I came out of theater. Everyone was jumping out of joy. Not that I felt different. I was equally happy but something inside my heart was broken. I will never be able to describe the feeling. A feeling of extreme happiness mixed with guilt. I forgot about all this soon. Being a mother of two, I was on my toes all the time. But that day I remembered everything after that woman left my clinic. That’s how I could relate to that woman. It’s very difficult to change society’s mindset. I was no different. How will it change. Someone has to change. I kept thinking and thinking. And than, I found my answer. At least I could teach my kids. I will raise them in a way, that they will not have to give in to anyone’s pressure. If we all could do the same, society might change in coming years. At least that’s my hope.

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