Click here for shortcuts to regional language blogs and city-specific events.
Love marriage or arranged marriage, fights after marriage have increased tremendously. We often complain about how life has changed after marriage and how he/she has become a completely changed person. This happens because many of the issues that crop up after marriage are literally non-existent before marriage. We don't discuss about the issues before marriage because we think that as the guy/girl is a good lover, they will definitely be good in everything. We make our own false presumptions which lead to many disappointments and regrets post-matrimony. There is a good reason that when a good woman and a good man marry, it is not necessarily true that a good marriage will stay. No. Not true in many cases.
Though there are like a hundred issues that you cannot foresee, I will try to list down the most common problems that may arise. Having a discussion about these common pain points before marriage will make it easier for both of you and will make your marriage most probably a good one.
1.) Nuclear family vs joint family: I always had the opinion that the high rise in the rate of divorces show that it's becoming hard for a person to live with their own spouse, leave alone the rest of the family. We have so many issues with this one person who we love dearly. Now, bring in the in-laws and now issues rise with four or five other people. It is okay if you have a very strong opinion that no matter what happens, you are going to stick to a joint family. If that's the case, you will have more chances of preparing yourself for all the issues that might crop up. But, if you are of the opinion that life is short and happiness is all that matters or if you have an inclining into how issues with in-laws could be, it's better you discuss with your fiance about having a separate home. If your fiance gives expressions like "Oh my god! You haven't even come into our family and you are already breaking us up" or something like, "Everything will be fine, my family is perfect, you won't have any issues, we will not have to separate", these are the red flag signs of a husband who most probably won't stand by you. Instead of letting all the rituals happen and then discussing about this in the later parts of relationship, it's better you do it early when your decisions are not loaded or don't create a heavy ruckus.
2.) Kids or No Kids: A marriage, obviously, is a promise of kids- was the rule of the game a long time ago. It still is, for many people, but, recently I have heard a few girl friends of mine who told me they were not interested in having kids. The reasons were valid and many like- they were career- oriented and would not be able to give the kid his/her due worth, they simply did not believe in the institution of kids and a few more. Having notions like these is totally acceptable and I tell those girl friends so! But, I ask them a question as to whether their fiance know about their plan or not. Their answer was strangely not an affirmative. Now, that is something which is not acceptable. Your spouse has every right to know whether you have a plan of kids or not. They might have already been dreaming about two kids, a girl and a boy and they might have also decided on the names of their kids. So from your side, it's not fair on him/ her to drop the bomb on their head after marriage.
3.) God- Worship or No- worship or No-god: He/ she might wake up at four in the morning along with his/ her mother and may worship to some god they believe in. You may find it cute and praise-worthy and you might tell him/ her before marriage- "Oh god, you wake up so early and follow these rituals- you are so adorable. I cannot simply do that darling, I appreciate that in you!" Adorable will stay adorable till your fiance, when they become your spouse expect you to follow the same traditions. You cannot force anyone in this world to believe or not believe in something. So, if you have any sort of expectations from your fiance about believing or not believing in god and god-worship, you have to sit and have a talk. 'Clash of the rituals' will definitely happen after marriage. Be prepared or decide not to be prepared!
4.) Career orientation and time: Are you a workaholic? Do you love attending to business calls even at four in the night? Do you worship work? Or are you simply the opposite? Family and friends come first and career later -types? Now, imagine you are the family oriented type and your spouse is not. Imagine you go out for dinner with your tiny tots and your spouse is on the phone just all the time. Imagine the frustration of having all your family dinners that way. Is your imagination's mood okay or is it dead angry? Angry, right? It happens. Not knowing a person fully before marriage, we have a beautiful assumption that all your family dinners will be like what they show on the cover page of tourist catalogs, a blue-shirt clad husband, a floral-dressed wife, two kids in white summer dresses laughing and playing at the dinner table. Oh, trust me, that in most of the families, this never happens. So, instead of blaming your fiance for the expectations that you never communicated with them in the first place, tell your fiance which type you are and which type you want to stay- the family oriented type or the business oriented type?
5.) Household chores: Are you one of those girls who think it's a crime for guys to do household chores? If you are, then I have no advice for you, you will keep your husband happy. But, the rest, are you one of those girls or boys who believes in dividing house-work? If you are, then you better tell your terms and conditions before marriage. But, here's the tricky part- when you and your fiance are in a romantic candle-light dinner and you look your best and you pop this question up- "Hey sweetheart! I believe in sharing all the house-hold chores and baby-chores after marriage, equally. Do you have the same opinion, too?" Most probably the answer will be, "Of course, sweetheart, shall we order some dessert?"Yes, most probably, they are going to accept to what you say. But, there are a few red speckle signs that you can pick during the endless conversations you have. Those are- "I haven't removed my plate since birth, my mother loves me so much that she hasn't let me. That's why she is the greatest mom", "My mother is so happy that she got a daughter-in-law like you. She is happy that now she can take some rest and you will look after me. Even I am happy I am going to get you as a wife! :)","I hate cooking, I hate settling the house, I hate it, simply hate it.", "My mother feeds me even today!" Any of these dialogues and you know where you stand. Be cautious because this is the most faked about and most-underrated problem!So, here they are! The five pain points of marriage. All the newbies out there who are going to get married this year, at least for today, instead of discussing about which movie to go to or which restaurant to feast upon, take your time and discuss all this. By discussing these issues, not only will 'you' be clear about what you want, your fiance will also see you in a new light! And you know, the saying- "Better Late Than Never!"