I have a daughter but I am not her mom
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|   Jul 29, 2016
I have a daughter but I am not her mom
I read a post today on an online mommies forum. A post by a mother who feels bad that her toddler is over attached to her. So much so that the kid sits outside the bathroom and wails when the mother is answering her nature's call inside. Only one thought came to my mind. I wish my daughter would do that to me. I wish she would cling on to me so much that I couldn't just attend to anything else but her. I don't even know if another mother like me exists in this world.
I return from work in the evening but my daughter doesn't even look into my face when I enter the home. She is taken care by my in-laws who she is extremely attached with. She wouldn't stay put next to me for more than five seconds in life. She always wants to be next to her grandmother. I can't understand why. I had taken a break from work in between too and stayed at home but even then my two year old daughter never wanted to be with me.
I feel like I have been cursed to become a mother biologically but not gifted with motherhood.
My daughter doesn't want to sleep with me either. She is happy and content away from me. I have felt suicidal due to this many a times. But, the small hope that some day she will come to me, asking for my presence in her life stops me from trying anything else. I am just a baby sitter in her life. Prepare whatever she has to eat for the day, feed her whenever I am present, read out stories to her during mealtime and feed when I am around, fold her clothes. Perfect job description of a baby sitter, right? 
I daily beg her to come and spend some time with me. Could it be because of the broken relationship that her father and I are in? Yes, her father and I don't talk to each other. There are stories behind that, I don't wish to explore here. But why am I still in this relationship? Because I can't leave. I can't leave because my daughter won't come with me. The only way that I can atleast keep seeing my daughter's face everyday is by being where I am. A lot of my friends don't understand this. Many have stopped talking to me because I refuse to go for separation. But, do you know.. I still stay here because I just want to be around my daughter. It doesn't matter that she is happy even without me. 
I would die to know the reason why I have a daughter but cannot be her mom. Is it my failure? She doesn't respond even if I call her name. It is very painful. But, I tell myself everytime that she is just a small innocent child. She isn't doing this on purpose. I wish I could read her mind. If I ask her, Do you like Amma?, she sometimes replies 'No'. I don't take it too seriously but it still hurts. Maybe she doesn't even know what it means. Is she being purposefully pulled away from me? Can a two year old be taught to do that?
Today she told me that she doesn't want me to put her to sleep. Should I let go?Will I be able to get her to attached to me, ever? I don't have the answer. I am named a useless mother. But I still try to remain true to my conscience. Is it my failure if my daughter isn't attached to me? Where can I get an answer? Is there anyone here who had/has a similar situation? I don't want to walk out without her.. then the purpose of my life will dilute away completely. At least that is what I feel. 
Everyday I strive and struggle to just 'give' love to her and not expect it back. I am trying to practise unconditional love. I am not sure if I will succeed. Can I just keep loving her even if she openly hates me? How long?
Will she ever say 'Amma, I need you!'? Can I hope? How long do I have to wait?
I wish I could be a mom to my daughter.

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