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I always wanted to be a mother. Sometimes, you just know what you can be best at. And I thought motherhood is that one thing which I can be really good at. After all I loved babies.
But not too late, I was confronted with reality and realised that having a baby seems to be beautiful only when baby is someone else's and you do not owe any responsibility. (No, I am not saying I don't love my baby..hold on!)
So that one beautiful day, after hours of labor when I held a part of me in my hands (rather palms, such tiny they are), I was thrilled. Thrilled to an extent that it took me quite a couple of months to believe that yes, something so beautiful has happened to me.
Undoubtedly initial days were a struggle with almost no sleep and of course I wasn't a born champion in breastfeeding. Months passed away. My munchkin was growing so quickly and I was happy to see that he is achieving his milestones.
Let me introduce you to my Lil'one. His name is Ahaan. He is my favorite baccha, not only because he is 'my baccha' but because this tiny human ever since he was growing inside me has never ever troubled me. No morning sickness, no cravings, no heartburn, no backache... nothing at all. I am truly blessed to have him. But now as he is growing up, he just doesn't sleep. (I always wondered when does he sleeps when he was within me because I used to feel his kicks around the clock).
He wants to sleep, he is sleepy but he just won't sleep. At times, I make him sleep on my lap and sit like that for hours (just so that he could catch some sleep as he is a very light sleeper). At times, I have to sleep beside him for hours together. Because if he doesn't sleep, he will be super cranky. This leaves me with no time for myself. There are days when I even take bath once my husband is back from work at 11.00pm.
Few days back, all of a sudden Ahaan started crying inconsolably. Since I was very tired I got irritated. I screamed at him and put him down on the bed and let him cry for sometime. My husband picked him up and gave him 'colicaid' a common medicine for colic (or rather when you don't understand anything). He was quiet in no time and slept peacefully in his papa's arms. Eventually both dad and son were asleep.
That night, yes I cried like never before. I was struck with guilt. Guilt of losing patience, getting irritated and most importantly not being able to understand and comprehen my child's needs and distress being a mother. I cursed myself for not understanding him, not soothing him. I am short of words to describe. But I am sure you all mothers will understand that feeling.
I saw him. As he was sleeping peacefully, I kissed him from head to toe for million times and said sorry (although he won't understand, but my guilty heart needed to say) a billion times. I couldn't sleep that night. My heart was aching. That night I promised myself that come what may...I shall never ever lose patience and give up on my baby. After all it's me who has to find meaning in his unsaid words. It's me who has to comfort him.
Next day when I woke up, I realised what happens, happens for the better. I was a better mom.
And I learned , Motherhood is certainly not a bed of roses. There are thorns here and there. After all no one is a born mother. But that tiny human that you create, gives you the most valuable lessons in life and helps you to be a better person. I never knew how much love I had in me until I became a mother!