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I dont want to be a Mom. Or a woman even now I guess. Never in my life have I felt like this. I was always the feminist who fought for women and tried to prove to everyone that we are equal and sometimes above men. Never ever have I felt the need to be a man. But now I cannot say the same as strongly as I did before .
Motherhood has changed me . Changed me into this anxious highstrung person who is always worried,frustrated, helpless or guilty .
I dont want to feel overwhelmed because my 6 year old is begging for an ipod because her friend has it. Or because my 1 year old is throwing yet another tantrum screaming bloody murder because she wants to climb on to the window sill. I dont want to feel guilty of not spending enough time with my kids . I dont want to feel guilty about going to work .
I dont want to worry and wake up ten times at night to cover them , or because someone needs to go pee or wants water or wants to be breastfed or just comforted . I want to sleep 10 hours straight like its nobody's business.
I dont want to worry about feeding my kids and whether they are getting the right nutrition. They eat so less anyways . They eat like they are obliging me by eating lunch.
I dont want to hear that call " mumma" as soon as i sit down to pee, poop, sip my coffee , close my eyes , call up my friend etc etc .
Im so overwhelmed by being needed 24/7 . They have turned my world upside down . What is my reward? ? Those heart melting kisses and hugs , the joy when they hit new milestones, the pride when they scale a peak of achievements ?? Yes these moments are amazing . But the overwhelming moments are more than these happy ones.
One might feel that here is a mom who needs a break i guess . But taking a break is also not possible . Because Once a Mom, Always a Mom !!! Even if I go for a movie Im consumed with that guilt, " I should spend this time playing with my kids". If I go for a coffee with my friends , the voice nags " the kids will be back from school soon ".
Im dying to spend some alone time with my hubby . But even then my heart and my mind is occupied by my kids . Thinking if they would be ok , fed and happy.
This because it has been ingrained in our systems that a mom should be the epitome of sacrifice and she should put her kids first always . So when you dont you feel like a bad mom !
I love my kids, but I also love myself and miss the carefree old days . Few more years I tell myself . Once they grow up I will miss these days . I will miss these innocent smiles and warm hugs and kisses . I will miss being needed as then they wont need me so much anymore .... As im lost in my train of thoughts I hear a blood curdling scream. My little one wants to bite her sister !!! The elder is crying because she wants to play monopoly but the little one crumpled up everything!!!
There we go again . I will now have to go there and try to make them happy , while trying to smile and be sane myself .
Disclaimer : written on a particularly overwhelming day when i was home alone with no help whatsoever !!!