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I know this topic has been written about and discussed innumerable times, but I felt an overwhelming urge to pen down a few thoughts and give you an insight into the roller coaster of the past seventeen years...... lets just chalk it down to yet another woman writing about her life changing experiences upon becoming a mother ( yes, you may roll your eyes and lament an extremely resigned "why me!")
lets start at the very beginning, shall we? There I was, with a stomach the size of a beach ball, wondering when I would be able to sneak a peak at my toes or sleep face down ever again, while listening to long discourses on how my life would change and how I would experience this surge of love... a connect so strong, that it would miraculously complete me once my baby was born. Innumerable examples of "Oh my god, once my baby was placed in my arms, i just knew it was the most wonderful feeling ever!!" were thrown at me everywhere i went. I'm sorry, but honestly, I don't think that's quite true. When you were placed in my arms, a scrawny red tiny being with a scrunched up face, bawling away at the top of his healthy lungs, I counted your fingers and toes, felt immense relief and happiness that you were healthy and fine and then...... just wanted to close my eyes and sleep! I was too exhausted to feel that maternal bond and gush that the whole world had prepped me for.......
Your father and i took you home and tried to do our very best by you. As was the norm those days, we were young adults, swept away in our excitement and eagerness to start a family. You, my son, were not easy!!! In a way, you were our guinea pig, our first born.....the prince of our world who we had decided to create, without a clue as to how to raise and look after you. By the time your sister came along, we were champions reveling in our expertise, but you........ every step was a learning experience, every wail of your's a lesson in frustration, wondering what we weren't doing right that we just couldn't get you to stop crying and smile!
Well, we managed, you and I, holding each others hands, wiping each others tears, clinging to each other and creating our wonderful little balloon which kept the big bad world at a safe distance. before we knew it, it was time for school. Once again, I heard the usual "oh my god! he's so tiny, your heart will break leaving him alone in school and sharing him with the world. He's such a shy baby, how will he manage??" Time for another exerpt from your mother's book of reality my son, I wasn't sad, my heart didn't break and I had no qualms about letting you take your first independant baby step. Yes, you were shy and an introvert ( you still are), but I knew you needed to go out and meet children your own age, you needed to start spreading your wings and stumble and honestly, more importantly, I needed some free time. Both of us blossomed with those two hours away from each other.... you expanded your world from a one person show and I, for a few hours everyday, could actually feel like a person who was more than the local nanny, cook and driver!
Time moved on and you started making your mark on the world. Here you are today, your final year in school, strong, confident and alert...ready to tackle whatever challenge life throws your way. Those usual busy bees still buzz in my ears...."Your son should now be your best friend, you're so lucky to have this special bond...cherish it, don't lt it go!!" I'm sorry, my son, but your mother, the rebel, once again, doesn't totally agree. While I do love the bond we share and revel in the confidence that I have done right by you and that you have turned out 'ok', I do need to say that it isn't all a bed of roses, it hasn't always been easy, you haven't always been Mr. congeniality and you most definitely have frustrated the life out of me!!
I tell you all this because i feel that you need to know that it hasn't always been a walk in the park. You children tend to take everything and everyone around you for granted, you'll are so used to considering yourselves the center of your parent's world that you'll tend not to see how close you'll have been to making them yank their hair out and scream in frustration, knowing that they have to get themselves together and wake up happy and calm the next day and do it all over again.
Tomorrow, you will leave my house, broaden your horizons and try and conquer the big bad world, with hopes in your heart and dreams in your eyes. I wish you all the very best and hope and pray that you achieve success in whatever you set out to do. But always remember where you came from. Remember those people who made you their world and taught you to dream. Know both sides of their story, the happy and the tough, because only then will you be able to move forward, flourish and create a family of your own. though I know that you and I have always been and will continue to be extremely close ( two of us against the world), I take pride in the fact that I am not your best friend. That is not my job!!! I am your parent, the person who brought you into this world, cuddled you till kingdom come and whipped your behind when the situation demanded.
Today, this seems melodramatic to you and you wish I would stop and spare you the embarrassment, but mark my words, tomorrow, once you step into my shoes, you'll look back and realise that your mother was not talking through her hat. Parenting is tough, my son and I hope that I did a decent job with you and send you out into the world a confident, good, honest and hardworking man!! Conquer the world and leave your mark!!! No matter where you go, it will be a repeat of your first day of school......all you need to do is look back and i'll be there......