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He never got my pulse racing neither did I give him butterflies in his stomach. He was very good looking in college so, I liked to be seen with him and I was educated and soon to earn at par with him which made him see a lucrative future with me.
Despite having nothing hot or racy between us, we survived 10 years of long distance relationship before finally tying the knot after the social milestones of career, car, investments and real estate. A good time we had though, I was busy in my job with my friends and he was busy in his.
The little time we had together, we spent in watching movies, going out to eat. Spats happened time and again and mostly for silly reasons like “why did u not call/tell me?” from both sides.
Nevertheless it was a better life than my friend X who got beaten by her husband, her passionate lover for 11 years , better than Y who got into an arranged marriage and the husband turned out to be a cheat or simply Z who were in love, got married against norms and would fight regularly.
So everything seemed rosy, but it was not. The human heart is a cup of brimming emotions, always spilling. I was an extrovert, social butterfly and loved partying. The husband was a quiet homebody preferring the TV and absolutely against partying. So, the first trouble started after life for me became stagnant with TV and office and some stray movies. The husband also probably has his own list of woes.
Since, there wasn’t much of chemistry; our physics also wasn’t as crackling too. There were never any silken sheets, not much sweaty bodies and very less of whatever few moments of physical intimation we shared. We did care a lot for each other and we were family to each other.
Trouble came the day ‘A’ came to my office as my boss, my confidante and my friend, I was suddenly shown a different world, a world where he complimented me , encouraged me, helped me in problems and most importantly he would behave like” the Man” - he would go out of his way to drop me if it was late, would call up if I was safe, would come to my rescue in office in various situations., made me laugh, was an excellent dancer and would catch me whenever I was down and talk to me about my fears, dreams etc
Being a feminist, independent woman always, suddenly all these concerns started feeling good.
Like a moth drawn to light, I fell for him head over heels. He was younger, in love with someone else and ready to get married. Despite all, I experienced what actual love was, reason not working, what butterflies meant etc. It was for just over two months and once he left, I was back to my tracks and in fact really cross at myself for being a fool for later when I came down from the clouds, I realized he was typical delhite with bad taste in movies and music.
But the damage had been done, I started yearning for things I never wanted before.
I started seeing my friends in new light, X who used to be beaten was divorced now and having an affair with a guy who loved her very much, Y ‘s cheat husband mended his ways and started showering her with love, and the ones who fought daily also shared a togetherness and passion for each other and the fights seemed more a proof of that.
I started fighting with my husband, he could not understand what happened. He never complimented or cared what I wore, so why was I creating a ruckus for him not noticing my new red dress? I wanted to have a husband like they show in movies. Our life together started stifling me slowly
But, As luck would have it, I became pregnant with my lovely daughter and her birth washed away all my yearnings as my entire focus and attention diverted to my little one who loved me and gave me attention much more than I ever wished from my husband.
Then while I was busy, trouble came in the form of an ex colleague in my husband’s life. His ex-colleague who never interested my husband before now started a renewed friendship without the harrowing eyes of bosses, colleagues outside the social walls of their work place.
She was a beauty and with our frequent fights in our marriage, he started basking in her company and her pretty looks. Fights became worse at home as I wanted her out of his life. But secret chats and meetings popped up now and then. Not that they had an affair yet, but knowing my husband and being 9 years in a male dominated career and seeing married men hook up in office over troublesome wife at home, I knew an affair was inevitable.
After months of crying, fighting, threatening, today I realize it is futile, just like me who was drawn to A, my husband also deserves to know love and the notorious butterflies. And a divorce is not a big deal in our generation e and in my social circle, I would not be an outcast either. Nay, I would be better off in fact.
But we have a huge problem; we both are crazily and head over heels in love with our daughter. She is our sunshine, our hope and our most precious belonging we share. And we cannot even think of hurting her. So I realize a divorce was out of the question for the time being and if it had to be in future, we shall see.
My husband is probably fighting his own feelings for his friend as I had. I should give him time.
And hopefully ten years from now, nothing will matter and we would have survived 15 years of a marriage of convenience.