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I hear people talking about miscarriages and losing their babies. I understand their pain and relate to them but wish so bad that no body has to go through what we went through. No body should have that moment in their lives what we saw with our own eyes.
I had a miscarriage last year, which was disheartening, but I got up and went on a path where I knew less that a bigger pain was waiting for us. We got pregnant again this time with twins. I was on cloud nine, that god has blessed us so much that he has not only returned our lost baby but have doubled our happiness.
Those Nine months were roller coaster ride, went through every thing from bleeding, high blood pressure to high sugar, Was on insulin for last 2 months of pregnancy. We were so much in stress but still happy as we were about get the most precious gift our life's.
At 28 weeks of pregnancy we went for regular check up and doctor told us that my cervix length was too short and I was admitted in the hospital. Still we were positive that it was good for our babies. I was there for 2 weeks. Then one day in 32nd week my water broke and doctor had to do emergency c-section.
We were worried as the babies were getting born in eight month, but were still hopeful and excited.
We were blessed with two beautiful boys and thought it was end of our pain. Never thought what was waiting for us was something horrible and a person can not even imagine that even for a enemy.
On morning of third day of birth a nurse came to our room and told we were needed in NICU. Doctors were waiting for us with a x-ray machine by side of our second twin. Our baby was lying there in excruciating pain, he had vomit with some blood in it. Doctors told us he had gastric perforations and had to be operated. I am strong woman and had been through so much in life but never felt so weak, my baby was unconscious and was shaking with pain. I broke into tears.
A paediatric surgeon was called from nearby hospital and he told us that baby's stomach wall was thin and it got open and there was free gas all over and infection has spread. They had to cut around 70-80% stomach of the baby and he was on ventilator.
We were still hoping that the other baby was fine and he will bring back his brother healthy with his connection. The news that came on 5th day was terrifying, first baby also got the same problem and had to be operated too. Both the babies were in shock their blood pressure was too low and doctors were trying hard too stabilise them. We were all broken and didn't know what to expect next. The whole family and close friends were praying for the babies and our lives stopped and we didn't know what to do except praying.
On the 10th day doctors were little hopeful as both the babies were little conscious and their blood pressure was stabilising.
However the second baby had to be given blood, so my husband went to nearby hospital to get the same. Me and my mother were waiting outside the NICU and were about to leave to get babies feeding bottles. Suddenly on duty doctor came outside and asked to get the blood quickly as the baby (who was operated second) had some bleeding. I called my husband to come asap with the blood but it took some time for him to arrange the same. By the time he came back it was too late, doctors were trying to revive the baby but he was gone. When we saw our baby he was all blue had blood in his mouth and heart rate was between 0-40.
Our first sunshine was gone we were broken but had to live for other baby and hope that he gets better. He was there with us for 28 days he showed some signs of getting better but was on ventilator whole time. Doctors got hopeful that they might be able to save this baby, but every thing came back. He was all swelled up, had low bp and high blood sugar and had severe infection ( he was in sepsis shock). That is when doctors and my husband lost hope.
I was spending as much time as possible with him, I knew my baby was in lot of pain I could see the same each time he opened his eyes and looked at me. It felt as if his eyes were saying take me home I can't take it any more mom. I was helpless my baby was going slowly before my eyes and I still was hoping for a miracle.
My husband took a last shot and asked doctors to give him steroids which we can hope to save his life. We knew it was too late but we didn't have anything to lose, so went ahead with the decision. The same day doctors started the medication but by the evening his face was all swelled up he was unrecognisable. The other day came and that is when I couldn't see his suffering and asked my husband to stop the steroids, as he was in lot of pain and could not even open his eyes. It was then we decided we have to let him go.
Doctors told us some thing that a doctor never says, both our babies were fighters and their souls fought till their last breath and didn't want to leave.
I was talking to him in his last moments and asked if he was fighting for me and what happened next I couldn't believe my eyes. He had no energy left but moved his hand on my question, my baby understood everything I used to tell him.
It's been 2 months since both our babies are gone, I feel blue now then, feel weak can't even explain the feeling. Sometimes breaks down and then my husband says the most consoling words 'our babies were brave and they fought for us we can't get weak, we are going to get them back'. His words gives me my strength back.
The other day I read a blog about rainbow baby. I know they were our rainbow babies and I am going to get them back.