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It had been there in my mind since last seventeen years, trying to put those feelings to words and tell you how much you are being missed. Who am I to you? Cousin, Sis-in-law or the just one in hundred girls who had an infatuation on you? I know that you were well aware of the fact that you were the handsome guy of that time & girls were behind you. But did you ever in your wild dreams thought that "I" was also one smitten by your charm ? No-no... I was not in love with you and I was aware of the fact that you & my sis were a couple. You were stylish in all ways. The way you dressed, the way you walked, the way you talked, you carried a charisma around you.
Thoughts of that November morning still brings a shiver in my mind. Your brother in law called and said you met with an accident & was in hospital. My mind was not ready to accept that. I tried calling many numbers of our relatives and when one call got answered I could hear cries in the background which confirmed my doubts. In between I had been trying my best to arrange train tickets from Lucknow to Kerala & packing the bags. Next time when I talked to papa, I just asked him when are they bringing you home. He said " By Midnight & tomorrow morning is the _________. He asked me not to tell mummy, as she will not be able to handle herself in 3 days of train travel to Kerala.
They said I had been strong in handling the situation, but dear I was not.. .How could I believe that the one whom with I was walking on the streets of Agra just 20 days back, The one who had promised me that he will find a good guy for me, the one whom I have always seen with a smile, the one whom I have shared some happiest days of my growing up years, the one who always made others happy , has left us without any intimation. Those three days were the toughest of my life. I was just 20 and was handling everything from making travelling arrangements to attending several phone calls & being calm in front of mom. I kept a fake calm face & told mom that you are ok, when I was getting torn from inside. I silently cried.. sometimes inside toilet, sometimes with bedsheet in my mouth. I gulped down the food with a crying heart.
For years I cried on your birthday, your death anniversary or any other situation which reminded me of you. I used to cry every time I hear the song "Chitti na koi sandesh, jaane woh kaun sa desh jahan tum chale gaye". Some of the lines in that song haunt me still. " Ek aah bhari hogi.. humne na suni hogi.. jaate jaate tumne awaaz toh dee hogi"Now i don't cry...just a lump in the throat. But I still miss you. Our lives would have been totally different if you have been there. I think it was good for me that i didn't get to see your lifeless body. Sometimes I feel that one fine day, you will knock the door & will come back in to our lives. I still try to search you in the crowd. I try to search you in the stars & love to think that the brightest one is you, watching us from above. Most weird thing I do is to believe that you are still with me as my son.
When ever you were around, you gave me a sense of secure feeling. As if you said" Don't worry, I am here". You always appreciated the small things which I did. You were my support when others made fun of me. You always tried to give me confidence. Still wondering why God called you back so early. May be we were not lucky enough to have you in our lives for long. You know... all those who are related to you & have known you closely, still misses you a lot. You are always a part of our conversations. You were that special that you still live in our hearts. You are always remembered with a lot of love. But the void that was created by your death can never be filled by anyone.I really hope that angels deliver this message of mine to you. I am sure that you are there in heaven as one of the favourites of God.Lots of love