The hardest night to fall asleep- Returning to work
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|   Feb 21, 2017
The hardest night to fall asleep- Returning to work

I am a mother of a beautiful and always smiling little girl. I have enjoyed every single moment with her and cherished them in my heart forever. I love to see her dancing and captured every milestone in camera as great memory. She is now 14 months old. We have recently celebrated her first birthday and I must say, We planned it our best with perfect venue selection and her pretty birthday dress. She was looking gorgeous in her pink dress and was flaunting her dress with a smile. 

Being a mother, I realized there is nothing precious in this world than your children. I was feeling motherhood is the most rewarding thing for me. My blissful 14 months flown so quickly than I imagined and finally that day which I was trying to avoid even to discuss.

For the whole day, I was tensed and holding tears in my eyes. My husband could sense every emotion in my voice and act. I was in no mood to eat and talk, only thing on my mind was to feed and watch her. I finished my household work before time and arranged things for the next day. I was pretending to sleep when my husband came in the bedroom. But that night I knew would be the longest night for me.

I was not able to sleep and close my eyes. I was constantly starring at her face without blinking. Touching her tiny little fingers and toes. I cuddled her so close that I could listen her heartbeat. I kept switching my thoughts but it doesn't stop guilt knocking on the door of my mind. The guilt and awful feeling was not letting me rest. I kept cursing myself for the whole night and doesn't want that night to end. 

Suddenly my alarm rang and as time to get ready. I kissed many times on her forehead and cheeks. She was smiling in her dreams. My husband and I were getting ready to leave. I packed my stuff for my first day after maternity and meanwhile my husband was dressing her up. We all had our breakfast together and were ready to leave.

The guilt of leaving a tinny baby to daycare for the whole day was getting stronger. On the way, my husband told me to go office directly as it would be hard for me to drop her to daycare. I reached office with the heavy heart and was greeting everyone with a fake smile. Everyone asked about her and I was responding without showing my real side. I met my friends for coffee during break, they picked up on my mood and emotions. I was not able to hold my tears while talking to them as I was missing my princess terribly. I covered my eyes, which were already wet. I just want to avoid the situation so mentioned about my meeting with HR and left.

In meeting, I was listening nervously and checking my watch more often. That was the worst day of my life and every minute I was feeling might need to quit work. After meeting, my manager explained some stuff on which I had to work and told me to leave early as it was my first day.

Immediately, after that I packed my stuff and ran with excitement towards the day care. When I reached, I called her name and stretched my arms. She screamed “Mummaa!” and wrapped her arms and legs so tight around me. We both were in tears and happy to meet after a long day. I kissed her face so many times. We left and had her favorite ice cream on the way to home. 

I glanced at her face as I was afraid for the next day. I took a deep breath to overcome my Mom guilt. I was hoping, to get that guilt fade overtime and telling myself to be strong enough to handle work and baby same time. All I was doing for her better future and development. I also want to be a mother my daughter can look up to and feel proud.

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