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No mother can ever forget the moment when for the first time she realizes that the stork is on his way to pay her a visit. I still remember my magical moment, my double-pink-striped moment. From that moment on, a lot was going to change, some important decisions would have to be made. For me, one major decision to make was to quit or to not quit -- the job.
Even though I joined back after maternity leave and worked for 2 years, I always had been in two minds about whether to continue with the job or not. Since I could not make a clear decision, I just kept going. I thought if I could somehow push through the first 2 years, I can then send my kid to daycare and we can all settle down into a routine where our day to day life will start running smoothly. You see, by the time their babies are 2 years old, most mothers who were on a career break start thinking about rejoining the workforce. At least, that is the thought that kept me going. I was also really very scared when I thought about the fact that quitting would mean losing my financial independence.
My heart would always tell me it is better to take a break and concentrate on myself and my kid for a while, but I just kept shutting my heart's voice with some or the other logic. Meanwhile, the ill effects of all those sleepless nights of the initial months, not being able to take care of myself and the fact that I chose to bear my first child at the age of 37 were starting to manifest in the form of deteriorating physical health with increasing back pain, tiredness and what not. The growing boy also now started demanding more attention. He felt the difference between being with his nanny and being with either or both of his parents, and of course, he wanted to be with us.
As I worked from home, there were frequent instances where he would come and tug at me and I would have to send him away, as I had to finish my work. A few more months like this, and it was very visible to me that he felt hurt and it made me feel so bad … so bad. The 'thought of quitting' starting raising its head again. All of these stress and the not so great physical health also took its toll on our marital relationship. I had to do something, either gain some magical superhuman strength and do it all or let something go. From whatever angle I thought, I could only think about letting the job go, just for a while.
Now, I have read many a times that it is always good to go with the heart, and yet, the decision was so difficult to make. Then one day while just thinking about my life backwards, I remembered another time when I had to decide between what my heart wants and what logic dictates. It was to decide whether I want a relationship with my husband (just a friend then) or not. I went with my heart and it has been really a great journey ever since, uncertain and at times difficult, but wonderful. That's it, decision made. I am still a little scared about quitting, and I do not know what is in store for me, but I know that at least, I will not have to send my little boy away when he fondly tugs at me. For now, that is enough to make me happy. Maybe, I can also find a little time to read something and write a bit.
Thank you for reading. Have a nice day.