A Letter to my husband - Regards Shambhavi
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|   Oct 04, 2016
A Letter to my husband - Regards Shambhavi

To the dearest person I considered dearest once,  I am writing this email with an urgency.

I, am writing with a lot of agony stuffed deep inside which are rolling down my eyes.

I came to your life with a lot of hopes, not monetary, neither branded, nor flashy.

I lived with a gang of friends out of whom I chose one or two to hang out with sometimes. Yes I liked to be out, shop and lots of music and dance were my favorites. I had long nails and short dresses of my favorite colors.  I was owning a body to drool for and ate all chocolates I yearned for.

I never fell into a relationship because I didn't find that human who loves to be with anyone like me for longer than 3 hours on bed may be.  I did come across you but then you ditched me for some reasons. Back then you constantly stayed in touch with me with messages which made me think you're someone who needs my presence. After ditching me I kept in touch with you, sorry I did. You were naive enough to not to fall for me again but I was smart enough to make you marry me at my will.  I left my job because I wanted to attend your elders brothers marriage and have a honeymoon for a month. Yeah I literally left as my company my OK with my one month leave. Later you stayed at my home, I was quite obliged to a great extent that I followed and waited for your acceptance to every simple thing I had to purchase. I was not a big money spender yet I had to face a lot of challenges to convince you if the thing is useful at all. Had you expected the amount of the same thought I might have given, to conclude that I really need to purchase it. But to you I am someone who picks something which is useless and I have no knowledge of spending money, but had you forgotten the money earning, spending and fashionable me you had met? I did buy my own LED TV in the year 2010 you know of which is still working because then you weren't there to tell me it is useless. I lived with you expecting to go out some day with you alone to live my romance, yes I say romance because at the age of 40-45-50 I may have a menopause and I may not feel the need to be touched at all! I am talking about love not sex. Sorry to be shrewd now.  I waited to be needed. To be your need.

Every weekends we had went to your parents. We went to my dream, The Taj ..but the love emblem was shared by 4 of us.  I went to a disco with you, the last time I danced on music was then in 2010 which is still hanging as a lifeless moment in front of our bedroom wall on the red wall the color of love.  I was pregnant and much before that I tried to join your parents many a times to which nobody gave ears. Later I thought for a baby thinking that might give you a feeling of a family and again you may feel the need of togetherness, need for me need for us.  I was unable to walk on my own I had to get up supporting myself on that office chair for every washroom trips. But you made sure to take me to your parents every weekends again. to them who didn't want to celebrate my baby shower too.  I kept waiting for you all night in pregnancy, to turn to the wall so you could talk on whats app with your friends' circle.  Later I found myself more active on Facebook. I tried to peek many a times to know what's more interesting. Yes I agree that the funny videos you find on social network were really important than a wife who waited whole day.  I had an anniversary where you had spoiled my day and I threw the cake I made for you. You never thought of anything to do with me, be it be my anniversary, my birthday or anything. Back then before marriage you waited outside my house with the barking dogs to turn up at 12. I appreciated every little thing you did and you managed to make me believe that you gave it a thought. But I still wonder why you didn't tell me that it is because I am a girlfriend and not a wife who's available every time waiting.  I remember you were upset because I was talking over the phone with someone while I sat into your car when you came to pick me up.You were upset for being ignorant at your presence.  I sometimes feel you're taking a revenge for that evening.  I lived waiting for that one person who made me believe in him that he'd be there needing me, who'd find happiness in me.  But you were successfully showing you how good a life is without me, you have another world which is better than me to be spent time with.  A lifeless phone, internet, laptop or anything is more interesting and yearned for than a body with life who slept next to you for long.  You were leaving for London and I remember the only moment we spent together was in the rushed shopping. Oh I do remember the movies but I still remember how pushy I was for a Bollywood movie to spend time with you and you kept busy in picking phone calls explaining our where abouts and things we're doing with parents or anyone. If nothing then driving and me talking to myself.  Later I had been quiet in those long drives too.  You wanted me to watch movies online as they're cheaper comparatively and worth too. I know a 200 rupees to spend time with you is not worth it now.  You went to London and kept making me and others believe that you need my presence.  I am obliged to you in all manners.  I realized that here too my presence is not acknowledged.  I am very warm and grateful for everyone to be around me but there's only one person to whom I do not greet with a hi hello of bye is YOU.  A unknown nobody too gets my warmth but you don't, reason being you've failed me. Watching you makes me feel like a failure. Your face tells me that I am a loser, I am not required here, I don't know what is required and what not, I spend a lot of money on wasteful things, I talk a lot because I tell you everything that happened in the day. Trust me, I keep secrets like a buried corpse.  You appreciated my food, so tomorrow you could present it to someone to please them or gain their appreciation, that's what I assume.  I stayed without you for 4 days but nobody asked me about my well-being or whereabouts. That you never had given thought to but neither did I expect that, but I tell you this to show you the real face of those who you made me to please with a warmth, which till now you haven't earned from me.  You make me feel that I can't do anything, I am obliged for every penny I have to spend. I have seen women spending Freely, on such expensive stuffs without giving second thought. no I am not talking about obligations and loans or amount, I am talking about freedom and right.

This is me, the woman you married, who still is the same flashy fashionable woman who listens to same beats and music who dances like the one in the picture 6 years back but in her own imagination.  I was emotionally shattered because I am stuck in 2010. I don't like gossip, I don't like sitting at a place like a couch potato. Because I am like you, just like you. But the hair line difference between you and me is the need for us.  Trust me, I respect your mom, I do call her talk to her more often than my own mom. Because she's my future and I am her past. I respect the fact you do for everyone, but you are indifferent. whosoever is far from you are important than the ones close and near.  You show me my reflection of failure.

I have realized that you're better without me, find happiness in anything else and would love to spend time watching funny exciting videos which are exciting really.  I wish I had learnt to find happiness in them without yearning for your arrival.

I heard you telling me that how you wish I was here with you whenever yo had fun outside. but I found them to be untrue, as you do not feel the need for my presence, rather you don't see my presence at all.  Yesterday when friends said to eat the cake with you, yeah I am that kind of person, fully freak, full of fun. I give a damn about public display of affection. Trust me I really don't give a damn for love display.  But I am not comfortable with the present you. I feel a stranger. I person I did not marry. I married someone, who I lost within few months. Then you produced multiple men to me. every months, then every year.  I don't want to live with anyone who doesn't feel my need or who shows me my failure.  Who doesn't have a solution to any of my problems.  You're not mine, neither do I want to be your responsibility.  I want to be someone's one, not one amongst all.  I write this email because now I go out alone, not because I am happy but to celebrate my loneliness. There are times I have walked back crying, sat on benches tired looking for an arm to lean forward.  I hope some day you'd give me hours, days, when I might be speechless. Or will spend time with all and me being one amongst all. Either one of us will die first.

I would leave you officially soon one day as I am strong about it. I keep thinking and searching all the formalities on internet. You need not worry about it. Trust me.

Baby's custody if you ask for I'll give to you I don't wish to fight for again for another emotional yearning.

Just I have a wish you must keep in your mind until I am dead, The day I die I want you and only you with me. I don't want anyone around. Freeze me until you arrive from wherever you are.

Regards 

Shambhavi

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