Written by Namita Kutty.
I’m rocking my LO to sleep and simultaneously typing this furiously out on my cell at 3.30 am, after taking an Aspirin. Why? Because LO’s shrieks can put any self-respecting banshee to shame if Papa Bear tries to rock her at night. Yup, no amount of Aspirins can drown that out.
If you’re in the same situation, you’ll agree with the rest of my list. Feel free to add a few of your own in the comments section.
You know you’re a mom of an infant when:
- Having a sick day means popping a pill and getting right back to work. If you’re real lucky, you may get 0.0011 of a second to pop that pill in peace.
- No election campaign can match the rigour with which you keep track of when you and partner last had a nap. A sampler — true conversation. “I let you sleep for 15 minutes extra last Sunday, so you need to let me sleep an extra 15 minutes today.” Yeah, as another Mommy blogger put it — sleep is the new currency.
- You’d give up on a date with Brad Pitt or errrr… Fawad Khan to hit the sack early.
- Being well-groomed means you can remember when you last washed your hair. Or a shower on some days! Being awesomely well-dressed means something you’re wearing actually matches. It’s probably a fluke and has a 1/462689 chance of happening. Don’t hold your breath for the next one. Your LO however will always be immaculately dressed and can model for baby GAP any day.
- Your living room looks like a toy nuke just blew over it and dining room looks like a food bomb exploded. Having visitors over means frantic hustling of toys into overflowing bins and making polite talk while surreptitiously scrubbing what you hope is a dahi stain off the sofa. Lego piece on the floor? You’ve perfected the nonchalant flick to kick it under the carpet. Never mind LO’s hysterics subsequently when she discovers your treachery.6. Having 5 minutes alone time in the loo is equivalent to your erstwhile mani-pedi-facial heck even back massage all rolled into one.
- You spend hours rocking the baby to sleep only to poke him anxiously to see if he’s breathing okay. Or turn him around cause the Internet says he can’t sleep that away.
- You can spend hours gazing at your little miracle sleeping and wonder how you got so lucky. She’s the most beautiful, precious thing in the whole wide world, you sigh to yourself in contentment.
- Howl to yourself the next minute “I can’t do this anymore…!” when LO is up for the 9th time in the night, and swear earnestly that the next addition to the family is going be a dog, or a cat, nope… goldfish it is. But if you’re talking to friends without kids — you tell them they MUST have kids, because it’s totally worth it, right? For that magical moment when LO looks into your eyes and smiles and everything’s okay with the world.
- Date night means two zombies on the couch watching MasterChef with the baby monitor next to you. Never mind that you can’t cook to save your life. Something addictive about it right? Yes, on a special night, when you are feeling particularly generous towards Papa Bear, you may watch footie along with the baby monitor of course.
- Flowers, cakes and diamonds are passé. You now swoon over your man when he changes a poopy diaper or lets you sleep that extra 20 minutes.
- Hand washes and sanitisers are your new best friends. You watch hawk-eyed as people come home and touch LO without washing their hands and try and mind-control them into washing.
- The latest hits on your iPod playlist are ‘Wheels on the bus’, ‘Old Mac Donald’ and ‘Incy Wincy Spider’. You know the Incy Wincy spider actions. You hum them even in the shower.
- Trying to cut your baby’s tiny nails with a minuscule nail cutter or baby nail scissors is enough to make you break into a cold sweat. Or maybe that’s just me. Cut the baby’s nails when she’s asleep they said. I started at 12.01 am, it’s now 12.30 am. One baby toenail done, nine to go…
- Forget all your guy friends of yore. Your entire speed dial list is your AWESOME new mommy friends. Yup, they are up at 3 am as well. They will discuss anything from how to get LO to eat, home remedies, baby poop challenges and even hear you vent about how you deserve a freaking Nobel Prize for being a mom.
- You’re ready to slay dragons for her. Well, not ‘Game of Thrones’ big, and not the fire breathing variety, perhaps. But either way, nothing is too big a task for your sun, moon and stars.
- You suffer from Mommy Brain – AKA short term memory loss. For example, last week I forgot, um…never mind.
- My baby’s finally asleep, (it took her 17 points on my list!) so I’m not going to hang around here obviously. (Re: Point 3). Sweet dreams, fellow-mommies!