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Motherhood changes you, they say but to what degree, no one tells that. And I am not talking about permanently damaged sleep cycle or irreversible stretch marks. I personally feel that this change is like a metamorphosis, giving rise to a better, stronger, more responsible version ( in some cases) in others its sleep deprived, exhausted, perpetually tired, paranoid and also a fatter version, (as in me!) or both. I don't think that any process can invoke so many gradual or sudden changes in a being. Let's acknowledge it, we all change, in more ways than we can ever fathom both at the micro level and macro level.
This is a personal journey, everyone has their own hurdles, own days of thinking "what the hell am I doing", own high points and low points, days of being alive or going through the day half dead.
This journey begins with the conception of the child. As soon as you get the news of pregnancy , something unexplainable triggers in you. The day when the child is born, also sees the birth of a mother. How you feel responsible and protective about the child. When I first saw mine I thought I am going to teach them everything about life. I will impart my wisdom to them but I couldn't be more wrong. I don't know, if I was able to teach them anything, but I am learning with them everyday, discovering something new about myself.
I had my first brush of selfless love, when I looked into their eyes. Their love has changed me. They love me like no one has ever loved. And I never knew that I am capable of loving anyone like this.
Worrying about them is my full-time job. They made me realise that tucking your child in the bed can be so satisfying.
I learnt about the speed of my brain to generate bad thoughts if they don't pick their phone on first ring or they are running late. I can border on being paranoid, but again I think, as a mother we all are wired like that.
They taught me what it is to be responsible for another life.
Pleasure of telling the same bedtime story for months or even years, taking same pause, mimicking at the same line, was discovered only after I became a mother.
Giving everything of yours including toilet time, sleep time and space, eating time in fact food also. Half of the time I am finishing off their left overs. May sound depressing but is quite rewarding.
I realised that sending your child for first overnight camp can be life shattering experience.
With them I have learnt the true meaning of happiness. Happiness is feeding them. Their clean plates can lighten up all the cells of my body.
That surge of emotion when I come to pick them up from school or the sheer absence of it after 10 seconds of picking them up is all part of this fabulous experience. They have been my greatest and most patient teacher.
Will I be ever able to repay them for this gratifying experience, I don't think so. Do I want to change anything about our journey, I think it will be too painful to change it. Even the sleepless nights and stretch marks are precious.
I have faltered many times in this journey and continue to do so. I have lost it many times. I must have not listened attentively to the story they had been retelling since yesterday. I have yelled at them , their project work has been the worst one in the class. I must have not thrown the best birthday parties for them. I might embarrass them sometimes .Most of the time I might seem clueless about things. But, I am still learning.
Did I do enough, I am not sure. I don't know if there is a parameter for that. I must have not ticked some boxes of the parameter of being a good mother, but I know one thing that I love them more than I would be ever able to say and I love them in a way I will never love anyone.
If years after, I am gone and they still fondly remember our time together, I would think that I did enough.