Motherhood by choice not by chance.
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|   Jan 05, 2017
Motherhood by choice not by chance.

I fail to understand why people always love to poke their nose in other’s matters.(No offence but these people are mostly women.)

 There are always some predefined norms for girls .where you have to get married by 25 as that’s the ideal age , procreate before you turn 30 which is again because that’s the ideal age to do so. Who decides this ideal age? We call them society which comprises of our parents (Though not in all the cases), in-laws, relatives from both side of the family & of course  every Tom,Dick & Harry you come across starting from your in-law’s neighbour to your mother’s maid.

If you are married for more than a year & have ever visited a gynaecologist you must have faced the same , starting from the small cities to the metros the 1st question which will be popped up – “Where is your husband. Hasn’t he accompanied you?” if not they will start looking at you as if you have turned up for marriage registration without your spouse.

Then comes the universal 2nd question. How many issues do you have? The 1st time when I was asked this I started describing about my health issues & the doctor interrupted to ask ,” How many children do you have “. When the reply is none & he/ she came to know that I am  married since ‘n’ no of years & in late 20s then came the disdainful look as if I have came from mars.

The doctor stumbled like as if that was an issue of national emergency or as if earth will stop revolving if I won’t procreate by the time I turn 30.

If a woman is married but not yet had kids after “n” no of years of marriage, society looks at her as if she has done a great sin. If one has a single child they ask about giving him/her a sibling & the list of expectations is endless.

Few days ago I just casually asked one of my nagging relatives who constantly enquires about my future plans( Good news you know.) to give me 5 reasons why did she had her children. 

Following are the few responses.

  1. You will feel complete as an woman & your family will be complete too.( She failed to explain what is the meaning of complete .)
  2. You & your husband will be responsible persons. (Do you think we are irresponsible?)
  3. How long you guys will roam around & enjoy like this.( Hmm i can smell something is burning.)
  4. Who will take forward your family name? ( She failed to answer the name of her great grandfather & great grandmother.)
  5. Who will take care of you in your old age ? (She has a tug-off war with her mother-in-law & she feels its her brother’s duty to take care of her parents so they also stay alone like her in-laws at their village.)
  6. For whose achievements you will feel proud of ?(I had answered this question..Of course mine & my husbands.)
  7. Your parents & in-laws are getting old .They also want to see their grandchild. They want someone to play with.(A child is not a toy.)
  8. Now both your parents & in-laws are healthy so now they will be able to take care of you & your child.(Those who don’t have parents & whose parents can’t be with them during pregnancy & childcare also procreate.)
  9. Now you are free at home & getting bored so have a child. (Seriously!!!)
  10. Everyone procreates after marriage why not you ?(Universal answer.)
  11. You biological clock is ticking.( This point makes some sense.)
  12. Before your retirement your kids will be settled if you have them at an early age.(I am not yet settled in my career & you are talking about my kids settlement & my retirement.)
  13. You will stop spending on unnecessary things like clothes & accessories and vacations & start saving. (Really !!Not a satisfying reason)

When I told her we are not mentally & financially prepared, she told automatically everything will fall in place when you will have a child.(Well things fell in place for some & for some it became more troublesome.)

My ultimate answer to such queries (BRAHMASTRA which I usually fire on my mom & mom-in-law) , My husband is not prepared. Family planning is such a thing which should be discussed & decided by both of us not by the entire society. Such type of good news should come as surprise not as a shock. Then she told me to stop taking the birth control pills without informing him. (I felt like telling her that pills are not the only method ,there are other methods too but preferred to avoid the discussion & left to have a cup of masala tea.)

Ironically its always the woman who is at the receiving end & questions also come from the women as well.These people who always ask you the same question every time they see you will never lend a helping hand during your pregnancy & childcare.If any financial help you require during that period they will back off citing various reasons.  

To all these queries the real answer is we do want to be parents when we want not when everybody else wants except us. We have our own set of priorities & plans which is definitely not same as yours.(See you feel taking a vacation is waste of money but I would prefer to go on a vacation rather to have a gold necklace unlike you.)We don’t want to be terrible children to our parents just because we have become parents.(We have seen numerous examples of people who feel they can no more afford the basic needs of  their parents but can afford branded clothes for infants which will be worn merely once or twice.)

Above all we want to have our child for us not for anyone else. So let us live our life in our own pace & dear society please don’t be disappointed if we fail to live by your standards.

Share your side of story & tell me if I missed any point.

P.S Inspired from another blog published here.

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