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As I heard her wails for the first time and felt something pass between my legs, I craned my neck to see my baby eagerly. I just recall seeing a hazy image of a baby with lots of hair on her head as she was taken away to be cleaned. “Well the delivery was not as scary and daunting as they claim it to be “I thought to myself and then realized something was missing. It hit me then – I hadn’t been told if it was a girl or boy and my hubby who was with me and almost nauseated by the sight of blood and everything else- had also walked into the adjoining room to take a look at the baby. Is it a boy or girl I asked – A girl just as you wished they said and I was beside myself with joy?
And they brought her over to me to feed her, I was all confused. I do not know how to do it I said and as the nurse helped me – little Angel suckled as if it was something she already knew. I was amazed by this and fell short of words to express my feelings.
The first 2 days she was at her best behavior, slept well, fed every 2 hours when she was woken up and caused no trouble. Hospitals are scary but for new Moms they are a boon- lot of rest and good food - well I can say that’s my strong opinion.
The challenge began when we brought her home. The first and foremost biggest one I faced was feeding her for I would feed her for almost 40 minutes and she would still cry for more. 15 minutes later she wanted to be fed again. My body ached, the nipples had turned sore and I reached a stage where I used to watch her sleeping and I was so fearful that she would wake up any minute and the grind would begin. When she was a few days old, we visited the pediatrician and realized that the feed was not enough to satiate her hunger and that’s when we started to supplement her feed.
Those few weeks – I oscillated between feelings of guilt and anger. It’s my fault I thought though I tried every remedy under the sun from the home made ones to the ones suggested by the doctor but things changed marginally. Then one day I realized I was causing harm to myself and her as well by drowning in this self-created guilt. It would do no good. Feeding her my milk was of course the best but what when I did not have enough and this factor was beyond my control? Did that mean that I was doomed as a mother? Heck no. This is not a measure of love for your child. I would do what was in her best interest and at this point it was keeping her tummy full with an alternative.
I looked at myself- a healthy 30 year old who had a normal child birth, suffered no ailments, had good immunity, was active, intelligent and yes a breastfed baby. So everything was fine with me and I love my Mom to bits for I don’t even think of her not breastfeeding me. I know that would have been due to reasons beyond her control. I look up to her for all that she has done for me and continues to unflinchingly support me in my new journey as a Mom.
I have my answers now and Angel and I have formed a new bond- sans any guilt and remorse. This has been a learning lesson for me, I am sure there will be many more as I progress in my journey as a mom but this is one that I cannot help but share with Moms out there. And thus begins a blogging journey of a new Mum – which has now met morphed into a personal blog with 100 plus posts and steady base of loyal followers on one of the largest Mommy content platform in India.