The other day, as I was swiping the channels on my tv, something just shook me. I came across a very popular tv series showcasing a case of " over pampering". I did learn a few things from it but before that, would love to share it with you all.
This story is about an over pampered, over shadowed, stubborn 14 year old boy. The series starts with this boy, named Lalit playing with a group of his friends. This is usual with kids of this age but the unusual happens just then. On getting "bowled out" he was asked do now do the bowling. But lalit was repressed, he would just not listen to the kids and insisted he was not bowled out. When one of the kids from the group took the bat from his hands, Lalit hit it hard on the boys face and ran. The poor boy bled badly. The neighbours came to lalit's house to complain, but his mother was just so protecting. She did not give into what they said, saying " mere bete ne kuch nai kiya,aap log aise hi iske peeche pade rehte hain" and asked them to leave. Seldom did she realise, she was solely being responsible for her son's dark future.
On a 2nd occasion, lalit was invited to a friends birthday party. On reaching there he casually chatted and played with all the other kids. Suddenly his eyes stopped at the birthday boys cap. He demanded for it, but why would the other boy give his birthday cap to lalit? Lalit got revengeful and commited a life threatening crime. He had a few small bombs (patakha) with him, he placed them on the birthday cake along with the candles. Since they were of the same size, no body could make out. When the candles were lighted, the bomb also was, and the cake exploded!! The birthday boy's eyes were just saved. Every one present there was shaken. Lalit was meekily moving from there, and just then one of the kid's father started checking lalit's pocket, presuming this was one of his illicit mischief. On searching a few more small bombs came out. This time the society people demanded this family to be out from the society. His mom also decided, they would not leave and would instead buy this house! This was a sign of her being stubborn as well.
The 3rd and last eg is utterly horrifying. Lalit was playing with his friend (ashu) on the terrace (the same friend who bowled him out during the cricket match). They chatted and laughed and were playing hide and seek. On Lalits's turn of finding, his friend hid hinself near a manhole. Lalit had not gotten over the feeling if revenge and made uo his mind to teach his friend a lesson of lifetime. He swiftly came and very steadily opened the manhole and pushed his Ashu in it. The poor boy kept screaming and shouting, begged him to help him out of it but lalit was seldom hearing anything!..
Within hours of the incident, the entire society was with Ashu's parents and they were running everywhere in the complex finding their boy. They found out at every possible nook and corner of the society but could not trace Ashu anywhere. Lalit got really worried now but he still kept it to himself. The next day police was informed, and to everyone's shock ashu's body was recovered from the manhole.
I would like to add on here, that lalit's dad was pretty strict with him but his mom was always protecting him. On one occasion, getting sick of everyday complaints, lalit's dad also raised a hand on him but he was late in showing his anger! Lalit had by now become extremely nagging and spoilt under his mom's shelter. This slap infuriated him so much, that lalit tried to jump off the terrace and ultimately his parents had to give in !.
What do we learn from this :
- All of us love our kids profoundly. We adore them, love them, make compromises and amendments just to make them strong and wonderful adults. But we should never let love turn into excess pampering. If our child becomes prone to our scoldings, then it's a sign to get worried about. Children become like this many times because of an " unbalanced unbringing". Satisfying all their demands and wishes, not taking corrective actions and treating them as delicate humans is a wrong way. When the child sees, that he will be protected by either of the parents, he thinks he can do anything in the world!!. Instead, make a thumb rule, that while dealing with kids parents need to come down to their level and understand them. Make them realise what's right and what's not. Yes, it's important that the child fears 1 of the parents but be careful of the lenghts.
- In the above eg. this child was resistantly revengeful. A 14 year old is no age for this. Feelings of vengeance, spite and malignancy are not for kids. Parents need to ve very very cautious and keep an eye on the kids changed behaviour. What they see is what they become! A lot of what we do and how we do inpacts their personality to a very large extent. An in depth understanding and maturity is required while dealing with kids cause this is how they will eventually get moulded into.
- When we provide everything to our kid, we unknowingly incultate a habit of taking things for granted. This becomes irreversible as the child turns into an adult. Children are smarted and sharper than we assume. They know what their demands are and how can they be fulfilled. I would like to share an eg here. My 2.5 year of munchkin is super active and is earnestly under the exploring stage. He is very fond of cars and does not leave an instance of buying one whenever we are out. He would very cutely go and pick up cars and we would also very lovingly get them for him. Initially this was seeming quite okay and normal, but gradually when he had countless cars he started to throw them here and there and ultimately break them disastrously ! He knew he could throw and break cars and mum and dad would get him more next time, since buying car while going out had become a tradition. Both me and my hubby decided to stop buying him cars, to make him realise it's value... i know, you would think, kids so tiny have no idea about value and all .. but my friends, kids of today's generation are much much smarter than you and me can even think off! We started saying the word "NO" and from then on, no cars were brought for him. He cried and yelled badly, but a small comma was much needed here. He disliked me for not giving in to his demands, but I realised a small no today would turn out to be a big yes in his life tomorrow😊 It's imperative to put positive stops in your child's life to make them good and strong humans.
What measures can we take then :
As parents, the foremost task is to admit 'that there is a problem', only then can you take corrective actions. You have to go a little in history and check, why and how this happened. Is it because of some elders in the family, who constantly fulfill your child's undue demands, or is it your relationship with your spouse that's negatively impacting his behaviour and attitude? Both these are major factors for a changed behaviour in your child. Should you give into his demands or say No? The solution here, is to "unpamper" him now and this is terribly difficult! You have to be extremely patient and cautious while dealing with your kid, scoldings and pangs will not benefit in any way. It's best to begin as soon as you can : believe me, a pampered child is not a happy one 😊😊
Parents must jointly correct their mentalities on child raising. Helping and raising a child into strong and independent adults is no easy task. No matter how much bank balance you have, never let that affect your child. Make sure he does not get everything that catches his fancy. Money can many times play havoc with their upbringing. Always teach them the " value of money and morals". It's not about financial but about moral values. Always keep a check on them till an age where you know they are matured enough to handle their stuff.
It takes two! The famous pampers initiative ... Both mom and dad have their respective roles in the upbringing of a child. With mother's even father's should know about every single advancement in their child's life. In the case discussed above, the father was mostly not present when Lalit was going the wrong way. Yes, fathers are mostly out to earn bread and butter for the family, but when they are home, they must spend quality time with their kids. They must talk with them openly, make them understand things and their consequences and must be aware of what's going on in their lives. Gelling well is very important! When both parents tackle and handle the child with utmost care and dedication, when they become friends intead of just parents - then an uprooted and strong individual is formed !
Raising a child is a cumbersome yet amazimg journey. We have to become very lineant and careful not to hurt their delicate minds and sensitive sentiments, yet be gritty and tough
in situations that go out of control! We have to take the effort to correct the expletives
used by a child. Just be a part of their journey forever...
A famous quote from Barbara Johnson :
" To be in your children's memory tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today"
Happy parenting 😊😊😊