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I went back to work last week. And I’m not sure if this is the best decision I’ve taken.
From being a full time working professional to being a homemaker and then getting promoted to the position of Stay At Home mom and then Work At Home mom and now being a part of the workforce again, life has indeed come a full circle.
However, I am not as excited as I should be. I’ve been lucky ( and capable!) enough to land a great job, something in which I can explore new facets of my knowledge and skill set and utilize the tips and tricks I’ve learnt by working at home for the past two years. It’s a pilot project with two of the biggest brand names in the business which offers fantastic opportunities for growth and development, and yet I am in a funk. I am unhappy, dull and listless.
I am the kind of person who thrives on routine, and who needs interaction with like minded and conflicting adult minds to keep her sane. I never shirk any responsibility, yet, everyday for the past week in the cab on the way to work I have cried myself silly till my eyes resemble two little red cherry tomatoes.
This is because I have returned to work conflicted. My kids, around whom my existence has revolved around for the past three years, will be left in someone else’s care while I take my apprehensive steps back to full time work.
I count my blessings every day. My kids will be well loved and tended to in my absence by their grandparents, my husband and a very responsible maid who loves them like her own.
But even then, while I am thankful that I could afford to take so much time off in their infanthood to be with them full time and take my time adjusting to motherhood without the added pressure of a job, I fear now that I will miss important developmental milestones of my boys- their triumphs, their victories, their failures, their love, their affection and yes, most importantly, their precious hugs at all times of the day.
I’m feeling bad. Very very bad. There’s this persistent, nagging voice at the back of head, gnawing away at my thoughts, constantly questioning whether I am doing the right thing.
I’m feeling guilty. I will not be with my kids for the majority of the day. I’ll miss their meal times. I will miss meeting them when they come back home from school. I’ll miss a lot of their firsts as I plough away at work.
I’m feeling scared. What if something happens to them? Who will rush them to the doctor? Who will offer them the reassuring cuddles that only a mom can give? My job will be very demanding and overwhelming at times, will I have the energy left over to spend quality time with my two little bundles of energy whom I already feel are growing up way too fast ?
I’m not the first and definitely not the last mother on this planet who has not had to go through these heart wrenching feelings, this relentless mental questioning, this emotional tug of war. I have new respect for all mothers everywhere, including myself. We’re so involved in our kids’ lives at every point of time that it’s JUST SO HARD to imagine any kind of time away from them.
For the last three years, my whole life has revolved around my kids. Even now, at work, when I’m asked to introduce myself, the first thing that comes out of my mouth is “Hi I’m Namrata, I’m a mom to twin boys”. So it’s obvious that I feel uneasiness about this whole situation of going back to work and feeling good about it.
I now acknowledge more than ever the role of a mother in her child’s life, which is completely unique and completely unlike the role that any other person plays.
Time is the best healer, they say, and I hope I can resolve these conflicting issues of mine with time.
I’m worried that I won’t get enough quality time with my kids. I’m anxious about whether they will eat enough if I am not around to feed them. I’m vexed at the confusion of it all, whether I will be able to set my priorities straight or no. I’m troubled that I will have to concentrate more on the quality of the time we spend together since it will now be restricted in terms of quantity.
And through it all, I’m hopeful, as only a mom can be, that I will get my inner dilemma sorted out to be the best I can be in every role I am cast in- mother, wife, employee, daughter, sister, etc. And I know that my boys will be mine forever. Nothing and no one, not even lack of time, can take that away from me.