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We are back in Bangalore after a two week break in Kerala, where the little boy got the much needed opportunity to bond well with his friends and family. In between, the boy fell sick, which is like a routine now. In fact, the boy is down with a viral infection or a cough turned to chest congestion every other month. Going to the doctor is just like going to the grandparents house for the boy that he knows where exactly the doctor's cabin is and knows the check up routine by heart. He hides his hand when we enter the doctor's cabin and makes it clear to the doctor that the hand has gone 'missing', so as to avoid injections, if any. He pulls up his shirt when the doctor takes the stethescope to examine him and opens his mouth and says 'aah' when the doctor takes the torch. To add to all this, he even walks around home with a steth and asks whoever he can catch hold of, to cough for him so that he can examine them.
Anyway, we came back all clear and well recovered but three days into being back in Bangalore, the boy fell sick again. And this time, along with him I fell sick too. And it has been really difficult and tiring to get work done and just about do anything. We kept him away from his play school as well for faster recovery and not passing the infection to any other little ones. Because of this, the little one is bored at home and doesn't really know what to do to vent his energy. I am trying my level best, yet at times, it doesn't seem so. If I am at work, there is a greater inclination for the boy to take his dad's mobile and dwell deep into it. I try as much as possible to not give him screen time and when this happens, either I need to sacrifice my work time to play with him or turn a blind eye and let go off my no-screen time. Either case, it comes with a guilt and it is terrible.
At times, I'm just so tired too (with the viral and taking care of the household) that I just want to switch off. I've not had the energy to work, let alone write and I am desperately trying to get back on my feet. I know this shall pass but until then I am struggling.
You realise how much you take your mom for granted in such situations. If there is one person whom you are sure has the solution to all your problems and you think of them as your superman, not giving a second thought about how they feel, it has got to be your mom. Blame it on karma, whatever you do to your mom, you are bound to get it back through your baby. Because, well, you need your mom whatever it is and you take all your tantrums and bratty behaviour on her! And when you become a mom, you realise how taxing that is. You don't get a break how much ever sick or tired you are and in fact, you are expected to carry on as if nothing affects you. It is difficult, but you need to. There's no other go.
Yet, there are times, I'm tired of trying to be a superwoman. I'm tired of striving to be a good parent. I just want to take the liberty to feel tired, to say I'm tired. To let it out of the system. Because, at times, I am. I really am! I'm scared of becoming a momster if I don't stop and take a breath. And the mere thought of it is terrifying, because that is not how I want to live my life or rather, portray myself to my kid. Even if the entire world doesn't think highly of me, there is a tiny being who thinks I am the perfect human being in this whole world, for whom my word is the ultimate. That matters much to me and I would do anything to hold on to that.
I hope, one day, all this becomes a breeze and I will look back at my 30 year old self and have a good laugh. But until then, I am sure I'll have my insecurities, worries and struggles to be a perfect mom and wife. And how ever difficult that is, I will fight through it and work my way out, with the once in a while cribbing and nagging, of course!