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Tough Choice – a "SAHM" or a "Corporate Mother" ?
Not even a single day passes away when I don’t think about the two choices I had. It was the toughest decision of my life that I had to take and am still continuously nagging between the choices of be “a Stay At Home Mother” or “a corporate mother”.
I always knew that the maternity leaves will get over soon and I will be facing the toughest phase of my life. Sometimes, no matter how much you prepare yourself, you fail to face the situation when it comes to your loved ones. Choosing to leave my three months old baby at home with nanny and resume work OR to stay at home with my baby and look after all his little needs has been my biggest challenge in life so far. I never felt so weak. Be it was the decision to get settled alone in abroad with very little knowledge and help or be it was forgetting the dream to learn classical singing to enhance my talent and participate in some contest or be it leaving dance after winning the award of best dancer at the state level. All were easy as I was the only person involved in it but this time I have my own body part which is not attached to my body anymore, who is so fragile that he requires deep affection and care to flourish. Sometimes I feel I am selfish that I chose career over my baby but then I think I work for him so that I could fulfill all his desires.
I spent days and nights to think but never conquered the confusion until the day I had to resume work arrived. I stepped out of the house with my heart full of guilt, ocean of emotions and anxieties of all kinds. They were all mixed feelings going through my mind within the fraction of seconds. Am I doing right? or am I being selfish? What he must be doing now? Is he missing me now? are the questions that still occur in my mind daily. Toughest part is when u look at his innocent face when you step out of the door and you feel he is so innocent that he doesn’t even know that his mother is leaving him to go and work. He needs me is the thought that drills my soul all the time. It is a complicated jumble of emotions.
This huge guilt will never go away as long as I have my heart pumping in my body. There are some pains with which you learn to live over the period of time. It is one of them. Will he be happy and proud to know that I resumed work leaving him with nanny at this tender age for his future? But then, is this the only reason I rejoined? No, I resumed because I want my career too, coz’ I like to be independent and capable of taking care of my loved ones, coz’ I love my self-respect, coz’ I love shopping with my self-earned money as it gives me a satisfactory feeling of some kind. Is it really okay to feel this way when you also have a baby to take care of? I want to pursue my career parallel to the responsibilities that I have towards my baby. Does thinking this way make me any less of a mother? No – I don’t think so because I know that I would be the best mother to my child, a mother who is full of immense love, care and values. Who will understand his moods and needs even if he is away from me. It is very obvious that one can take care of the child more effectively when one is around all the time rather than asking the nanny or domestic helps what he did he eat-sleep-poop-cry throughout the day. But have I got any other choice. Apart from leaving the work and be a SAHM. I don’t have anything against a SAHM, in fact I have great respect for them. To each their own. But the kind of person I am, I know If I leave my dreams behind, I will regret later and an unhappy soul can never make someone else happy. This is something which is not in the plan for the life that I want to lead. My mother always says that women can take care of the family in a better way if she herself is satisfied with her own aspirations or desires. You achieve what you want in life and you will be a completely different person all together. Much more composed and accomplished.
“If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you strong” as they say. I completely believe in this. Life is full of choices. The right ones will take you high though it will be full of thorns. It’s always easy to quit. As I always say, I am a fighter with the spirit I got from my support system, my husband, I know I will swim through this phase like a dolphin, keeping the grace and strength intact.