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"Why did you not tell me earlier? You were always careless. This had to happen. Now do whatever you want to, you lazy woman...Fucking Shit..Fuck You. it is all because of you...you were not careful. You will never be able to do anything in your life. You have made my life a living hell, now make yours too. Get this straight in your head..you have ruined my life, you will never be able to do anything, you are capable of nothing", he yelled and disconnected the call. All I could say in between the lines was just "hmm" , "but", "how can you". But that was left unheard. A lot more was ignored and unattended for.
It was the wintry afternoon of January. The sunlight coming form the huge windows tried its best to keep the ever-so-chilling room a little warm. I had tucked myself in the fluffy warm blanket, on the oh-so-comfortable bed. I was actually on bed rest. I was enjoying reading my book, The Chanakya's Chant. I was impressed by his knowledge and intellect. His take on life, on winning, on self-respect, on revenge were all insightful. I was mesmerized by its modern day adaptation. It was a completely different way of living life. So much to learn and absorb, I thought. Just then the door bell rang. OHHOO...Who wants to get out of the blanket, keep their feet on the icy cold marble and walk up to the door. I was alone in the house so i only had to dare up. So I did with a limp in my walk and hands on my back. Lying for long hours can be tiring too, I guess.
It was Mom. She had come to visit me at my in-laws house and had dutifully brought fruits. We went straight to my room and had a chat. It was a rather heavy dose of lecture on how I should take care of my health. A caring mother was soon going to be a more caring grand mother. And it was the first time in my life that I was listening to a lecture with all my ears, mind and heart. It was my 8th week of pregnancy. I was put on bedrest due to some minor complications. Like the doctor said " Nothing to worry. Just take bed rest. Don't stress. Don't bend. Do not pick anything heavy. Eat Well. Sleep well. Take your medication properly. Everything will be fine".
I was fine, at least mentally. They say all that the mother thinks and feel reaches and affects the baby. So I had to be fine for my baby. I had to be happy and positive for my baby..my first baby. The feeling of knowing that there is a life inside you is unmatchable. A part of me, a part of him, the whole of our love, was inside me. Tears swelled up and soon subsided with a huge smile on my face. A smile travelling from my eyes, through my heart and reaching there where that bundle of our joy laid.
It was not a planned pregnancy. A playful, experimental moment of intense passion had landed a double red line. After a lot of thinking and summing up negative thoughts and we-are-not-ready reasons, we thought otherwise; to accept it happily and positively. We decided to have this baby. Our first baby was on board. Smiles everywhere.
My mother-in-law was back home from work. She and my mother, together, made me eat a large bowl of fruits. The bowl I guess was so large and my tummy was so full that I had to rush to the loo. It wasn't once but again and again. I wanted to pee and excrete frequently. The backache rose again. The wave of pain was intense and terribly painful. Neither could I sit, nor could I lay down. I went to pee again and what I saw made me cold and numb. Blood. I was bleeding. It was not mere spotting, but active bleeding. Pure red, Blood Red. With my heart thumping against my chest I came out and told my mom. A few phone calls made and I was rushed to the doctor.
"It is a miss", the lady said to my mother after examining my uterus on the monitor. It was gone. Just blood clots left. A confirmation done from another doctor. The same response. No sign of pregnancy even. A clear uterus. I had a miscarriage. That bundle of joy had slipped out of my body. I could not hold it tight enough. I could not build that bond strong enough. Maybe I was not careful enough.
My poppy seed, my coin sized baby was no more inside me. The nurse showed me the sack. It held my baby. Eyes, fingers, feet all yet to develop. On looking closely one would be able to see the signs of growth. But I refused to look. I did not have to heart to lay my eyes on it, on my baby..lifeless and still. I turned away and let the tears wash away the pain. I had to built up the courage to tell him that the one for whom he is dreaming for, making plans for is no more there. I wanted him to be there with me, so that I could hold him, lean on his chest and cry till my last tear.
He was out of town. My MIL took the responsibility to tell him.After few hours of a horrid loss, I had another heart breaking encounter. He held me solely responsible for it. As if I did not want the baby. As if I was not upset. As if I had not lost anything. Everyone tutored me that it is the woman who has to be strong in situations like this. Men are emotionally weak. You should build up the heart and listen to whatever he is saying. He is upset and is not able to handle it well. And like every MIL would say "My son is too emotional. He easily gets attached to everything". Strange I was lectured on conduct of behavior not him. Still!!!
I was surfaced by a series of emotions. Shock, Tears, Anger, Numbness ; in the same order. Obediently I put up on a good smile and a jolly mood. Surprisingly I had even forgotten about my post miscarriage contractions. Despite my mind being clogged with the same thought I tried to find new topics to talk on with my husband. We talked about on various subjects, but this. Within 10 days of the incidence I was fine and had assured everyone of that and obviously they believed. People love to believe things they actually find easy to believe. Does there believe means that I was not in pain? Does it mean that I was not hurt in the first place? Does that make me a stone-hearted mother?
I know a single miscarriage, harsh words from people you love don't bring your life to a standstill. In fact it gives you an insight into people around you and moreover into your own self. These incidents test your true potential of humanity, love, care, strength and character.
Though among all the sympathies, that one voice that I wanted to console me, yelled at me. That one shoulder I wanted to cry on, turned away. But am I that small and weak and needy kind? Am I not emotionally strong enough? Do I have to literally beg for emotional support? Am I am not independent enough to take care of myself? Why is that I felt the need to wait and cry on somebody else's shoulder? Am I that vulnerable, that I was shaken by the mere words, let alone their actions?
Obviously no...Many might have failed this test I believe that I had held my head, character and conduct high. In dire needs, though on emotional level, the mother in me was strong and awake. A Mother would always bear all the pain and still keep a calm face and strong head. Maybe my baby had come to teach that his (a wishful thought) mother has to be a strong woman. She can stand tall amidst all odds. She has and can face all adversities with a rock solid willpower. His mother had to be that kind of a woman.
With such thoughts I have resolved to be that kind. I will time and again prove my weak side that my strong side is more strong. Its not the fight with the outside world. But a fight within, with my own self, my own soul. I have to rise and shine and emerge more powerful. From now on I shall not put up my emotions on display and act vulnerable. My baby had gone but had taught me the lesson of life; even the one Chanakya couldn't convey to me. "I am not a Weak Soul."
That does not mean I will not cry anymore, not share sorrows anymore or be mentally broken down anymore. But one thing is for sure I will not wait for someone else to come and gather me and put me back into one piece. That I will do it on my own. That is my job and I will do it efficiently.
This for all those women out there who feel that they always need someone. They are scared of being alone specially in tough times. My family was right, Women are emotionally and mentally strong. You are a One Man Army. You shouldn't let people toy with your feelings. You fight for your family, your kids and even for society. Its time you stand for your self too. You should rather be the support system of the family; especially for your kids. Kids learn the most from there mothers and being a weak mom is not a good example to set for your kids. Be a mother that your kid is proud of.
This is no revenge scheme. This is just a soul strengthening exercise.
PS - Maybe when I do that...my baby will eventually come back to me.