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After I miscarried my first baby at 8 weeks, due to absence of heartbeat, I was in the phase of coping up with my loss. Having heard so many reasons for the loss of my baby from friends and relatives who assume that they just passed out from medical college – You didn’t eat well, hell ya.. You can’t eat and puke at the same time. You didn’t take good rest –I have a job, family to take care, I sleep 8- 9 hours per day just like every other human. May be you should take bed rest next time- You want me to think of next time NOW? Really? Thanks for that!! You are too weak – Oh yes, not strong enough to punch you on the face!!
But no one told me the real reason. Neither the doctor knew it. It was just another missed miscarriage according to her terminology. Having heard so much, seen so much of bloody pool, shed so much of tears, my mind needed rest more than my body. And yes – my body regained strength but I didn’t get over it - I started to live with it – with the memories of my first child, who I never had a chance to carry in my arms.
Life has to move on – The words used by people pointing at others ( not themselves though) And I moved on , conceived again , blushed in happiness seeing the positive pink line again, gained hope again, Until- my fifth month. The doctor who scanned told that my baby was so adamant that she (it is a girl - which we found later) does not turn her head and show the face. So I walked for half an hour for my little darling to show her face to the doctor. Another scan revealed that my baby had some facial abnormalities which may be due to genetic problem about which even they were not sure. So I opted for a second scan – The same old technical terms which I am quite used to now. Ultimately, the decision was – ABORT the child, immediately, coz it is already 20 weeks which is the maximum time legally one can do it. Upon suggestions from many doctors, we decided to say heart breaking bye to her. I had an induced delivery of the baby whose face I never wanted to see!!!
Yes – I wished not to see her which was my only request to the doctor. I hear you – Is she heartless? How can she not even see the baby? And so many mocking, judgmental comments. It was one of the wise decision I took in that crucial situation is what I feel. I was not ready to see a soulless part of me, maybe I was not matured enough or prepared to handle it. I want the image of her to stay alive and charming within me. So now - I am living with it – with the memories of my children, who I never had a chance to carry in my arms.
So the reason for me penning this down is – Am I a mom? With mother’s day heading up, this question pops into my mind. And the answer is – Certainly I am!! May be I didn’t get an opportunity to cradle my children, to feed, bath and take care of them. But I have them in my heart always. So I am a mom who is destined to have angel babies. Kids make our life heaven but my kids prefer to live in heaven. So I look upon the sky and whisper- Mom loves you forever.