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It took me precisely 3 months to decide whether I should write about this incidence or not. A guilty mom and the girl inside me were fighting with each other. Finally, both of them won and I decided to pen it down.
For me, 2016 ended with the wedding bells of my brother. My brother is youngest among the lot.All the more reason for me to be super excited for the same. I had my own plans for this wedding after all ‘saade veer ki shaadi thi' this was the tagline given by me to the entire wedding.
I enjoyed every moment, be it the colorful Mehandi/Sangeet ceremony, wherein white I was looking awesome (as my husband told me ;). In the main wedding, I wore golden saree in which again I was looking THE BEST (Yes! My husband complimented me this way). Every bit of this wedding was my idea. The decoration, the color coordination, the finger licking food & last but not the least LOOK & FEEL OF THE BAR – quantity and brand of alcohol everything.
The common factor in this entire hustle – bustle was my little Saahir.
Otherwise, Saahir is a very friendly child. But when there is a lot of crowd around, he wants only me. The Sangeet and wedding ceremony made me very tired. In high heels running after him and making him eat food. Leaving everything and comforting him if he is scared of loud music. Like every mom does, I too love him most. Was trying to enjoy every bit with him.
So, wedding got over and ‘Dilwale dulhaniya le aaye'. Today was the reception party for newly weds. Of course, I had to look pretty. So, I had to hit the parlor. Yes! it was a comfort factor for me as well. I was not in the mood to run after him in high heels to feed him.
Finally, my sister-in –law & I reached to the venue. We had actually got very late. Anyways, I just got so engrossed with the beautiful wedding décor.I just love the weddings its decoration, the happiness, and warmth around.
Guests had already started pouring in. After few moments every counter was full, especially the bar. Enough of this meet & greet I too decided to hit the bar. One or two drinks down I saw my friends coming. Got overwhelmed as I saw them and again a chance to drink more. Little Saahir was busy playing, as his tummy was full. By this time I was super high and very happy. From giggling with friends to mixing to of drinks everything happened. The time came when I was completely sloshed. I will call it HAPPILY HIGH.
I remember a weird/ angry look on my mother's face. My husband and in-laws were completely normal. The venue was far from the place where we were residing for the wedding. By the time we reached the destination, it was pretty late. My son who was with me, though, was still missing me. Probably I was with him physically, but not mentally. Where one of my aunts was taking care of me. My mom being so angry didn't even bother to come to me. Then, Her punching bag became my husband ‘aap isse allow kyu karte ho peene k liye? (How do you allow her to drink?) Huamri izzat mitti mein mila di (She really put us down)'. My husband picked up Saahir and dozed off immediately (next day he told me about this). I was still with my aunt and I slept with her.
The morning when I woke up and saw I am not in my room. I picked up my phone to check the time, Gosh! 5. 30 am. Where is saahir? I got up and saw my aunt, last thing which I actually wanted to hear ‘Your mom is very angry with you and will kill you'. I went to my husband's room, knocked and he opened the door. I tightly hugged saahir, kissed him some thousand times, he was fast asleep. First time in these two years I slept without him. Still in hangover,i went into deep sleep again.
Again after some time I woke up, checked the time it was 12 noon. I rushed towards my parents. They were packing. We had to shift to our own home. We were living in a farmhouse for wedding thing. Parents are very predictable, especially when they are angry with their kids. I knew how my parents will react. The moment I entered in their room, at first they ignored me. I sat on the bed like nothing has happened and started talking to my cousin. Mom gave me that peculiar killing look and started murmuring something, which only she can hear. But I knew what she was saying ‘izzat mitti mein mila di (You put us very down)'. My mother I say is so good in her drama and expressions. Only by giving those disgusting looks, she can make us (me & my brother) feel guilty.
My dad, he too is not less. If we (me or my brother) have done anything wrong, or anything which he did not like, he will never speak on that topic, rest he will talk nicely. This is a way to make another person feel more miserable. He spoke normally. I just wanted to tell him ‘common please say what you want to and let's flush it out from our system'.
We left this place, I was driving. Mom dad and saahir with me.I tried talking to them, but the response was very cold. I thought to do some emotional blackmail:
Myself: Maa I am thinking, post dropping you guys home, I should go back to MY HOME ;)
Mom (Who loves me like crazy): fumbled and said no, no, no need today. Let's see tomorrow.
I could see my dad from rear view mirror, the anger on his face was mellowing down. I appreciated myself that the idea worked. They both started talking to me normally.
The idea was not that they should talk to me normally. I wanted to tell them that I have not done some crime. I got drunk, I know that but its ok, it was my brother's wedding, I was happy and it exceeded.
Whenever I tried to speak to my mom about this, she just said ‘rehne do, jo ho gaya, so ho gaya (let it be, whatever happened has happened now). Finally, I asked her ‘mom what has happened? Can you tell me?' I know I was drunk, but I was safe with you all. I know I was drunk, but I knew my child is well-taken care off. I know I was drunk…. & she intervened ‘you don't know Anju (names changed) you don't know Radha that they all must be laughing, what they will talk behind our back'. I retorted maa I don't care. Let them say what they want to, none of their business they don't know me who I am. But I am feeling sad that you are behaving like one of them. Mom tried to say something but I didn't let her talk. I said I am a married girl with a child, my husband was there to take care of me. My In-laws were there too. I am answerable to them, not to these Anju's and Radha's of this world.
My mom nodded her head in agreement, but now she has something else to say ‘you know when you were sloshed, saahir was kissing you. He was missing you. He was only calling maama, maama again and again. Was it fair on his part?' This thing I never wanted to hear. My eyes were full of tears. I was in my own melancholy, now I was thinking like a mom. I went to Saahir and kissed him again and apologized to him.
There was a war going inside me, the war between a girl and a mom. Sometimes mom was winning and sometimes the girl inside me. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mom, a daughter-in-law etc. but above all, I am a human. In our busy schedules we hardly get time to enjoy up to the extent I did on reception party. It's ok if I took few drinks. I enjoyed with my girlfriends. We clicked beautiful selfies. We laughed our heart out. For a while I just let the girl inside me come out.For a while, I just forgot about my responsibilities.
So, I being a girl and mom made these promises to myself.
The girl inside me said ‘I will never stop drinking, just because I am a mom.'
Mom inside me said ‘I will drink, but I will not lose my conscious ever, I will be there with my child no matter what'
I read it somewhere:
Before you start to judge me, step into my shoes and walk the life I'm living and if you get as far as I am, just maybe you see how strong really I am.
This is for the people who became judgmental towards me after this incidence & for people who will become judgmental towards me after this post.