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Being an ardent reader and or an enthusiast of Mr. Amari Soul, reminds me of one his pragmatic quotes “Any man who tries to break you mentally, is already broken both mentally and emotionally”. An individual can only relate to these beautiful depictions when one goes through the play called life! A lot of things kept hovering in my mind when I picked up my pen. As Shakespeare had said, life is a stage and everyone has a role to play, indeed every individual has something to offer when the role is over someone else takes over the stage.
Despite it taking me months, I finally realized that it wasn’t me not being good enough for him, but he not being good enough for me. These words have resonated with me for some time, and I am constantly reminding myself that I deserve better than the distorted perception of love that was handed to me on a tarnished silver platter. I deserve better than being ignored, I deserve better than being manipulated, and I deserve better than you. I know I’m not the same girl that was on my bedroom floor that night, because I would never give someone complete power over me where I lost control; complete power over me where I felt I was worthless and that’s what kept hammering my soul. I was consumed by nothing but negativity, and for a while I thought he was my only source of light. I was drowning and every single day I woke up and hoped his hand would pull me up to the surface and save me. I was wrong. That night was the night I realized his hand was never there to save me, but instead there to push me deeper below the surface. The only hand I needed was my own. You were my darkness and it took me too long to realize this.
I know he is a good person, but next time man- you ask yourself what it was you ever did to me I want you to think of the girl crying on the polished marble floor. I want him to think of the girl that couldn’t sleep because the nightmares were worse than reality, which had become her own personal hell and of the girl who couldn’t eat because she had no appetite from the anxiety caused from thinking she did something wrong. Think of that girl who hated herself so much that she had to force herself to get up in the morning, only to crawl back into bed hours later. And also want you to think of the girl who had countless silent breakdowns, hoping her parents wouldn’t hear. What to term a man who is able to quench your thirst in bed but not for life! Celebrating sexual power and the counts of the sperm that create a life does not describe a man, so here I realized my hand was held by a beau who can be torn and ripped apart by societal norms and rituals, who can might just forget the count of the nights experiencing carnal pleasure or may be mutual gratification of sex, a non-man who cannot handle a strong woman and stand by her side only to make other women jealous of his being. He was just another partner who will remind me of forcing happiness to knock at my door, trying every time to establish that I am a woman with dignity and grit and not another woman who had stepped out of the wedlock to be available for the mass.
And now I want you to think of the person I have become, and I want you to know that I am thankful or you creating a monster. I’m no longer a monster, and I no longer have to force happiness. No more do I have to seek validation from others or seek approval from your surrounding that I am worthy. I am thankful you were a part of my life, because you became the best, worst thing to happen to me, because of you I learnt the social stigma of fear and he who overcomes is a man of substance and virility.
At the end I know that I don’t regret you, as I just recognized that I don’t deserve you. I would never wish for you to experience the same hell as me, and wish you the same happiness that I can finally experience every day with myself. So, here should I thank you and your fear of not being sociable by sticking to your commitment. That for engulfing me in darkness and pushing me further below the surface. Enormous things have come from that darkness and a lot many from you.